Written on 12th June 2017

I always thought I was just shy of 6 foot tall (ie. 5’11”) however I recently discovered I’m closer to just shy of 5’10”. Whenever I practised Jiu-Jitsu against larger opponents I wouldn’t fear the size difference because of this delusion. When rolling against someone of the same size and ability or smaller even, I would easily manhandle them as that was the state I was in mentally. This long-term delusion eventually shaped my method of rolling. In believing that I was bigger than I actually was, I eventually manifested a stronger or larger person's game within a smaller person's frame. Maybe between 18 and 38 years old I actually lost some height, possibly related to my arthritis or ageing so I possibly wasn’t lying to myself the whole time. Feeling bigger than I am certainly has helped my confidence over the years in general life. So how has it affected my Jiu-Jitsu? The confidence in challenging larger opponents without the fear of being manhandled has helped me find comfort in bad positions. The experience of acting larger has helped me find ways of being strong without using strength. If I failed, I would continue trying to find the place of where reality would finally reflect my delusion. Years of getting smashed and deflating of the hyper-delusioned ego was tough, yet in a masochistic way I loved every minute of it.

Today I am aware of the delusion but that doesn’t mean I am going to start acting like a man of smaller stature and shy away from challenges. My delusion could have been my greatest teacher in Jiu-Jitsu, as well as a reason why I am still on the mats, so I will not so readily ignore it. I feel this experience in my martial arts is related, in part, to the concepts of 'Invisible Jiu-Jitsu'. Through thinking I was bigger and protecting my elbow at the time, as well as a few key concepts about connection, I was able to find ways of getting power through connection and using my whole body to move, defend and attack. 

This was happening before my wrist injury but I still had my elbow issue, so I was mostly rolling with one arm tied in my belt. Today with that foundational knowledge, I roll mainly one handed with the same strong person mentality. I have had to break some Jiu-Jitsu rules due to my impairment, like the fact that you should always connect to the opponents' hip under side control. For some reason I kept playing with the arm control with my legs, which felt natural with my impairments but I never really had any success with it for years. Now I have my 'Impaired Guard' under side control which has some attacks and sweeps but it needs refinement. At the very least I seem to be able to use this position to nullify my opponents actions. I always felt guilty about going down this path as it was breaking a rule, but the unorthodox, delusional stubbornness I had has led me to find a new way. This is not a replacement but an addition to the vast Jiu-Jitsu knowledge out there. It would be a great honour to develop techniques to offer people with impairments or injuries in a self defense situation, or inspire others to refine my techniques and come up with their own.

Luckily my technique was developed in a safe environment and I was able to take positive lessons from my delusion. It’s a scary feeling to realise that I could delude myself for so long but having the self awareness to see it and learn from it is a powerful lesson. Embracing the fear of egoless self reflection is among the hardest things a human can do and impossible to master. The martial arts are always trying to teach this mastery of self, encouraging people to dedicate their life to reach mastery of the self. The lesson here is that the journey to enlightenment is more necessary than just being enlightened. A so-called perfect enlightened being that hasn’t had the journey to become enlightened with all the struggles of life, isn’t enlightened at all. Learning from all aspects of life, experience is key to reaching higher levels of enlightenment. Not all experiences will lead to positive outcomes. The more you can approach learning in an ego free and truthful way, the more chance you can evolve to be the victor of your life and have a positive influence on those around you. 

So by metaphorically standing tall with your head up, breeds confidence within which will reflect in your demeanour and attitude, and project confidence to the world around you.

Become the victor and reject the victim within.