My Battle with the Darkness: Depression, Anxiety and Addiction.
* Trigger warning: the following post contains graphic content *
As a child I grew up having a fairly privileged life, you may even say I was spoiled for my first 12 years. The 80’s was a happy time and I was well on track to becoming an overindulged teenager, leading into a hyper-materialistic adult. I was going to public school and my grades at the time were pretty good. All my report cards said similar things like, “he is smart but he needs to apply himself”, “he does not play well with others” or “he will not share”. I went from an upper middle class childhood where the world provided me with all my desires to having to work with my family in my free time, to help us eat. So my fun, privileged, spoiled childhood was suddenly stripped away and replaced with hard, unpaid work, long hours and learning to be frugal.
When I see home videos of my childhood I get shocked at how big a terror I was. I never remember being that bad, I knew I had a somewhat good childhood and I was a bit of a joker but that’s not what the video evidence shows. Looking back over my childhood and in the process of writing this I had a realisation; The privileged part of my life was not when I had everything, it was actually when we nearly lost everything and my family had to fight every day to keep warm and fed. The lessons learned, the behaviours picked up, the work ethic, the exposure to sports as an outlet, coping with depression, growing up pre-internet to being exposed to its inception in everyday society, have all been invaluable in my development. My privileged childhood of abundance would have led me down the path of becoming a materialistic, superficial, negative and selfish adult so thank the great programmer that I was fortunate enough to have that privilege taken. We relied on all 6 family members working together as well as the kindness, financial and materialistic support of close family and friends. You really can learn a lot about who really is important in your life when you encounter difficult times as many supposed close friends and family members disappear into the ether.
This is a tale of someone who has always been middle class, skirting between upper and lower. I do not claim that I was ever rich or ever poor so I couldn’t relate from my personal brushes with depression of how it would be for people 'better off' or 'worse off' than me. My tale represents an average person with a strong ethnic heritage, born into western society and should be a lesson that depression is universal within our culture.
As of now I am in an extremely happy and content place, however that has not always been the case. This is about my personal experiences with depression which I can still be easily triggered by, quickly finding myself down a deep well. Depression is a constant passenger in my life. For me, when it hits, I retreat into myself and distance myself from human contact. I still do what I have to do, whatever is expected by society, but not much else. I would lay in bed or on the couch and get lost in television or video games, otherwise I would be trapped with my own dark thoughts. Whenever I get in this state I embrace physical pain and even seek it out so as to feel some other kind of pain and also, in a masochistic way, I feel I deserve it as punishment. This might sound glim but do not mistake my above words and think I am, or ever have been, suicidal. I can honestly say that suicidal thoughts never entered my mind. To be honest, I was always too curious and optimistic about the future of society that I felt no matter what, I want to see the future of humanity as far into the future as I can. My curiosity always trumped my pain. Pain, to me, is like a warm blanket when stuck in a hole. It gives me something else to feel otherwise I stay trapped within a loop of negative emotions with no hope of feeling joy. Moving pain from the emotional to the physical is a mechanism that can help break the cycle of depression. Feeling physical pain gives the mind a break from feeling the emotional pain and can therefore find ways out of the loop. This is pure conjecture and based solely on my experience but it seems the best way to conceptualise it.
A bit of history on my contact with depression. My family has dealt with a suicide in the past which hit the family hard in my early life. This happened before I was born and my family, being of traditional Greek culture, never speak about their emotions. It wasn’t until my first year at University that I had my first real brush with depression. Like many tales on depression this one was over a girl. Having little experience with girls in high school, due to social awkwardness, working long hours and confidence issues, I was ill prepared and naive when it came to meeting young women. Long story short, I liked a girl, she didn’t like me. I failed half my first year subjects and had a miserable year. How I snapped out of it was a conversation with a friend who made me realise that my perception of this girl and reality were way off. Luckily it had an immediate effect and I was happy again. I finished my degree, became more social and for a while I was free of the darkness. However once the darkness takes a hold it isn’t easily destroyed. It lays deep within you, patiently waiting to get a grip again, each time growing stronger and more cunning. It tricks you into thinking you are happy but it’s still there. It has you thinking you know how to deal with it but it evolves and takes advantage of the slightest chink in your armour. It tricks you into becoming lazy and complacent so it can weaken your resolve and sneak back in to consume you. I am not saying to become friends with and submit to depression, I am saying learn to understand it so you can defeat it or at least keep it at bay with constant vigilance.
In my first year of postgraduate studies, depression crept back into my life. This time I had trouble sleeping, even sleeping through exams. I was diagnosed with Endogenous Depression with an underlying sleeping disorder from my GP. My circadian rhythm (sleep cycle) was pushed out of whack. At my worst I would sleep from around 6am - 3pm daily and could not go to sleep any other time. I physically could not concentrate on my studies until after 11pm when, with sufficient caffeine, chocolate and nicotine, I would study till 5am. No matter what, I couldn’t wake up. My mum would try dragging me out of bed or throwing cold water on me to wake me up but nothing worked and actually made things worse. I probably should have let my dad take care of me his way, which included sleep deprivation and lots of alcohol. My decision was to trust in medicine and, as I studied psychology, I was well aware how big an issue depression is and I should try to get on top of it. The doctor prescribed me some brain-altering drugs as well as sleeping pills, for the first week, to adjust my brain chemistry and get my body clock back on track. After 3 months my circadian rhythm was back to normal and I had weened off the medication. If memory serves me correctly I had undiagnosed glandular fever around that time so that could have helped trigger the depression. All I know is that I was able to get over my Endogenous Depression this time with medical intervention only because it wasn’t caused by external, emotionally charged heartache, rather a chemical imbalance. As a result of my depression and sleeping issues I was given special permission to sit the exams that I missed during the summer holiday period after semester and was able to finish my course.
These are my 2 medically diagnosed examples of my battle with depression. There are many more examples that I have. One such example of my struggles with depression was after a pretty emotional break up. My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me on New Year's Eve after we returned home from traveling and working together in Europe for 8 months. This is when I was at my lowest point, staying indoors wallowing in my misery. I remember laying in bed feeling naked and in a deep hole. For the first time ever I could see my true self, stripped bare, without ego and I could see that I wasn’t the person I thought I was. My belief was that I was always a good person who would never harm anyone. The person I saw when I looked at myself was an asshole in relationships and maybe I needed to put effort in to actually being the person I thought I was. I was able to look back on our relationship and understand how I made her feel. Once this encounter with my true self happened I was able to pick up my shattered soul and over time crawl out of the hole. The good thing about falling into a state of depression is that things can always turn around and crawling out of the pit makes you stronger. Depression can be a cruel mistress, she will come to you from different angles, adapting every time you learn to recognise her. It requires constant vigilance to keep from tripping.
Another time I fell into darkness was an encounter with death. Any time a terrible event happens in your life, that you have no control over, it can knock you into a state of depression as well. If you have experience with death it stays with you forever. I have had experiences of family members of mine and friends passing away and have even been in the room at the time. My most intense experience with death was as a first responder at an accident scene. This story is a bit more difficult to talk about but I feel it is important to mention to demonstrate that the darkness can take over anyone at any time. It was June 2010 and I was at work with my father. It was just the 2 of us operating the factory and I was unloading a truck at the time with the forklift. It was raining and there was some local 16 year old kid riding a small trail bike up and down the road of the factory complex. He was dressed in flip flops, shorts and a singlet and had no helmet. The truck driver and I told him to slow down, due to the wet ground, but he ignored us and continued to do it for a while. As I was driving the forklift in the factory to put away the delivery I heard a loud crash and the truck driver came running in telling me to come outside. The kid had ridden between 2 parked cars parked and straight into the concrete wall of our factory. My dad ran outside as the sound made him think I crashed the forklift. I got to the accident and upon seeing what was laying in front of me I ran straight inside to get the phone and the first aid kid. There were bystanders by now and I was on the phone to emergency services while trying to attend to him. I gave the phone to someone and continued whatever I could. The gray glazed over look in his eyes while he was convulsing in my hands was intense. Frantically I tried to patch him back up, holding his scalp together, but there was nothing anyone could have done. There was so much internal damage that it seemed like he was drowning in his own blood. The ambulance and reporters came remarkably quickly and they had him off to hospital. I heard soon after from a young policeman that he had passed away. The officer was smoking a cigarette and I bummed one off him. I am glad that the boy's family did not see him in the state he was in. After he was in the ambulance his sister came up from their factory to see the commotion and spoke to me upon realising who was in the ambulance. I’ll never forget what she asked me which was, “Do you think he did it on purpose?”. That freaked me out and I told her that I didn’t think so as he was doing laps but who could ever know. This event triggered my depression but competing in triathlons at the time helped so at least I had a physical outlet and was forced to interact with people while training with and coaching them. Although that kind of event is something that you can never really get over I learned that exercise is a powerful tool we can use to combat depression. Having said that it still took a long time for me to digest the experience and not to dwell on it. I look back now and although it makes me emotional to think about it I can see that life is precious. The experience showed me that I have the ability to detach in life and death situations and calmly, get the job done. Later I am left with the burden of being shrouded in darkness alone.
So those are my most powerful encounters with depression. Each time I experienced it and overcame it made me a little bit stronger and more self aware. I recognise that it is always under the surface so self critique is essential to stop it becoming a runaway problem. I am fortunate enough, through my experiences over the past 2 years, that for the first time I feel empowered and have a self belief and confidence that I never knew was possible. Having time off work due to my arthritis and being forced to become more frugal once again gave me ample time to reflect and to gradually reduce my stress to manageable levels.
Petra Tou Romiou, Cyprus
What I have learned is the ability to detach and become an observer of myself and those around me. I can recognise what is causing me to slip and address the issue straight away. Also, I realised that if you need to confront someone close in your life then do it in a calm, open and empathic way. Be honest to yourself and loved ones as that is the only way to address emotional depression.
Having to deal with a chronic pain condition over a long period led me to becoming more stoic and I have come to terms with the pain. The goal is to use that pain to drive me to live a cleaner, healthier, less cluttered and mobile lifestyle. Remember “Stagnation Leads To Suffering”, in motion, in thought, in ideologies. Through healthy eating, breathing, exercise, Jiu-Jitsu, being an observer and being honest with myself and those close to me are all weapons I use to keep the darkness at rest. I believe that the use of pharmaceutical drugs should be the last resort to help people with depression. When exercise, diet and lifestyle protocols don’t work then the drugs are needed. Why not try to first fix depression naturally with exercise, challenging yourself, attaining to reach a goal, explore your interests and learn whatever you want to learn rather than getting lost in brain altering pills from day one?
We need to address ways of smashing through depression naturally, rather than exacerbate the problem solely with pharmaceuticals. How can you have your own personal 'Hero's Journey' (see Joe Rogan's video) and be all you can be if you do not learn from the “darkness”, find ways to come to terms with it and hopefully smash it one day rather than suppressing it? We need to encourage people to embrace their fears to overcome them and no longer be a victim to darkness. We also need to empower people to embrace and come to terms with the underlying cause and treat it as needed, pharmaceutically, psychologically, increasing activity and mobility, exercising the brain, meditation or mindfulness practice or a combination of the above. We shouldn’t rely primarily on drugs, it is but one tool out of many. Medication is like a hammer, which is a very important and powerful tool in your tool box.
“If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail”
Imagine building a wall that represents your mental state keeping out the darkness, where the hammer is needed for major structural defects. Sometimes you need a brush to slowly paint yourself into a better place. I suppose you could use the hammer to paint your new you but as you paint yourself with a hammer it will also scratch up and damage the wall as well as taking longer to finish because it is the wrong tool. The longer you use the hammer, especially unnecessarily, the more structural damage you will endure as it is such a powerful tool, however if you use a brush to paint then there is no long term damage to your structure. Now your nice new wall has a fresh new look which will last a while but not forever. At a deeper level once you are in a happy, new place there is always time for improvement. Maybe the paint is a bit rough and needs a polish. You may then use a fine sandpaper to smooth the surface. This analogy works well with what I am trying to say. No matter what tools you use, always try to add new tools in your toolbox or utilise these tools more efficiently. After you nail up your new wall representing you with a hammer (drugs), you need the brush (exercise), paint (time away), sandpaper (little things to add polish), dust-brush (daily practice to keep you settled), etc. One thing to remember is that it requires maintenance so an annual coat of paint may be needed to keep it from requiring a hammer to fix a degraded wall. You also may need to weekly wash the wall of dirt or daily dusting to keep it clean and durable. The hammer may be needed in an emergency but having a strong, healthy and happy mind takes years of work with annually, monthly, weekly and daily attention. Even controlled breathing for 5 minutes a day can have a dramatic impact on your life. Keep your wall in pristine condition and you will be able to keep the darkness at bay more readily.
A brother to depression is anxiety, they can both be present as a double whammy or they can be independent. Most times when I am in a pit of depression it can manifest in other areas of my life as anxiety. Conflict with family and friends seems to trigger my anxiety due to the close personal connection. Being depressed can exacerbate negative close personal interactions, leading to anxiety attacks where you feel ready to explode. One such occasion was a time when I had a corporate ticket to the AFL Grand Final. I ended up not going due to an anxiety attack brought on by someone else who was going. At the time I was heavily addicted to the AFL and I would have given anything to go to that match, however I was afraid that my anxiety levels would blow up into a physical confrontation. Now I do need to point out that I am not a violent person which is why I didn’t want to put myself in that situation. My anxiety has only really exploded out of control on 2 or 3 occasions. I started to see anxiety creep in more to my life due to sports, in particular the AFL. There were some times where I would be so invested in a player that when they make indiscretions that caused them to leave my team I would have an attack. It gets pervasive in your life when you become too big a fanatic (fan) of anything. These days you have fantasy leagues (which encourage watching more games thus exposure to more gambling and beer ads), tipping leagues, multiple betting apps on your phone, 24/7 Sport talk-back radio and TV, flooding the newspapers with the controversies and results of the week. It was so pervasive in my life that I found that my emotions and mood were directly related to my sports teams’ performance. From having a healthy interest in sport which turned into an addiction I was made more susceptible to anxiety attacks.
Like many people with mental illness, I have issues with addiction. Depression, anxiety and addiction seem to come hand in hand. Where you find one, you are bound to find another, if not all three. From my experience addictive behaviours can become correlated with depression and or anxiety if not controlled. How addiction affects me and how I deal with addictive pursuits might be unique to me. When I talk about my addictions I am talking about psychological and emotional addictions, rather than physical or psycho-pharmacological addictions. Many activities I have engaged in over the years are negative, ie. smoking or gambling, and many would be considered positive, ie. martial arts, sports and exercise. I tend to go down the rabbit hole and take it to the extreme in many cases, which in turn can transform a positive activity into a negative one. What would happen is that I would take something, like getting fit, and quickly progress to participating in grueling 16 hour events which would have a devastating impact on my body for months after.
The most extreme example of this was after a bout of depression and my father told me to get off the couch and get fit. At the same time my best friend asked if I would be interested in doing a triathlon with him. It sounded a bit challenging, especially the swim, but I took on the challenge to prove to myself that I can do this. I channeled my inner Bushido spirit. We signed up for a mini triathlon. After that first race I was hooked. Not only was I obsessed with triathlons but I took it to the next level. I joined a local club, became involved as a volunteer and a committee member, I started coaching and even became a sponsor of the club through my work. It pretty much all happened fairly quickly. Over 5 or 6 years I pounded my body doing countless events, including completing three Ironman triathlons in 3 years. As well as the physical impact of constant races, my spirit was drained through my other duties for the club. I was ill prepared for the politics involved by becoming so entrenched in the day to day operations that it actually had a negative impact on my body through stress. It consumed a massive part of my life at the time and I lost a few close friendships along the way. The over training, the constant carb loading, devastating races and the politics involved drove me to anxiety and walking away from the community completely.
My response to things that cause me massive amounts of anxiety is to cut out that activity completely. It was funny because after my dad first told me to get off the couch and exercise he later told me to calm down with these triathlons because he could see I was going too deep. Of course I was stubborn and thought I knew what I was doing and had no realisation on the lasting impact on my body. I even had a dietitian at one stage and my diet was mainly fueled by carbs. This high sugar diet in combination with the stresses I was putting on my body would have been a contributing factor to my developing rheumatoid arthritis in my 20’s, at least bringing it on much earlier.
With regards to Fantasy Sports and Australian Rules Football I was in deep. Like most 'normal' members of society, sports was a major part of my life. The Fantasy Sports took me over the edge though. Through getting involved in fantasy sports I found that it consumed all my time between Thursday and Monday evenings. Not only was I watching my favourite team but I ended up watching most games because I have my fantasy team players playing. It was getting ridiculous, constantly looking at my teams live score, not to mention the exposure to all the gambling advertisements which takes me into a deeper hole. You get sucked into sports talk back where they aren’t allowed to say anything controversial, constantly repeating themselves and always giving you the odds. When I would attend games I would lose my voice within 10 minutes and, on a few occasions, have anxiety attacks due to some team driven ideology responding to a controversial off field incident. I must admit, it is an incredible way for leagues all over the world to increase advertising revenue by increasing the amount of games their fans watch. Because of the effect fantasy sports had on me, my aversion to systems of control and my increased exposure to the corporatisation of beloved sports teams and leagues, I had to walk away from sport completely, not just the fantasy sports and the gambling. For the first time in 20 years my EPL team (Tottenham Hotspur) was vying for the championship but came second to fairytale Leicester City last year. Did it bother me that I did not see one game that season? Shockingly no it didn’t and I was previously a massive fan, visiting their home ground in London and even watching a live friendly game which was unforgettable. I would play Manager Mode on FIFA on the XBox and I would know the names and stats of the best players in the world, without ever seeing most of them play. AFL and EPL were the two main sports that I was consuming as well as MMA. I would still watch some MMA but more as a martial artist observing his art and other arts and not really as as hardcore fan. At the time I walked away from consuming sports, I was having issues with anxiety and stress which was being fueled by unimportant dramas. My only option for my sanity was to cut off sport for the time and my plan is to return to casually enjoying sport on my own terms, if I choose to, for myself and not because of some social pressure. I still love my teams but I am happier than ever since I stopped following completely so who knows if and when I will return to my beloved sports.
White Heart Lane 2011
A good addiction I have is that of Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. Through this addiction, and with a whole lot of stubbornness, I continued doing Jiu-Jitsu on and off for many years. It wasn't until the last 2-3 years that I have been able to learn and develop ways of training with my arthritis. This wasn't always the case as when I first started, like young men are prone to do, I would go too hard and have to take time off after inflaming my arm. Like all activities I have learned that too much is no good and to listen to my body to keep myself safe from further aggravation.
All the above and more activities have the ability to consume me, helping to throw me down a dark spiral into depression. Whilst I am in this deep, almost delusional, place it would usually take something stressful to wake me up. I would immediately realise the negative impact of what I am doing by being able to observe myself without clouded vision. This will cause me to have an aversion to the activity in question or at least slow down and take control as I can finally see that I have gone too far. These awakenings are powerful, transforming moments in my life and generally lead to new paths previously blocked by pigheadedness, blurred vision and fear caused by low self esteem.
My contact with depression, anxiety and addiction has led me down a path to become the person I am today. Through lessons learned from the darkness and applying them to my life I have extra shielding against the darkness taking over again. I would never want to change or forget any of these experiences, no matter the pain or suffering endured, as it has been my greatest teacher. Embrace your true self honestly, be aware of the good and evil within you, so you are able to defend against the darkness within and from external malevolence.